A LETTER THAT I PROMISED TO WRITE A FRIEND

Kamau,

The last time we spoke, I was in a dorm at Cape Coast University and you were in Buxton, Ontario with Gordon, Chinedu and Prince. While I was glad to be in Ghana, I would have intended to be in Buxton if I was in Canada. I understand that there was a lot of rain that weekend, but how was it? For me, when ever labour day comes around I think of being there.

After we spoke, my plan at that point was to head from Cape Coast to Kumasi, see two friends, than got back to where I have been living and staying in Tamale.

While I was feeling better that day, by the next evening my condition turned and I was admitted into the local hospital. That was quite an ordeal, but after two days I did all that I could to be out of there. Still not feeling well, I decided to go back to Accra and stay with Melezia’s family. They have been amazing to me. Under their care, which has been so thorough, I recovered quite well. The only problem is an infection in my veins from the intravenous. It was a bit sore, but I’m taking some antibiotics which seem to be helping. Hopefully, I will be back in Tamale by the weekend. What was supposed to be a week to see the doctor and get some things done in Accra has now become almost a month.

Anyway, the purpose of this email is to give you an update. I said I would so here it is.

My first thought is why I came to Ghana. I don’t think I told you that. I was not actually looking to leave the city. I have a lot there that I love (family, friends, the rec centre, my church). I applied for this position with Journalists for Human Rights, but I did not expect to get it. When I received the call in May telling me that I had gotten the position, I had three days to decide. I really didn’t know if I would go. I talked with a few people that were laid on my heart to see what their advice would be. Everyone that I spoke to insisted that I go.

As for my own thoughts and feelings, a part of me did not want to do it, but when I thought about staying, the feeling in my heart was terrible. It was like I would be throwing away a blessing that I would have to wait for to come again in another form, but it would be even harder when it returned. So, I accepted the position.

Getting here was not that easy though, as I had to cover a lot of costs ($2000 of a $3000 plane ticket, vaccinations, visa, passport, medication, and some other expenses). I prayed about it, sent out some proposals, and all that I needed came through on time. When I say on time, I mean the very last moment. I actually had a going-away bbq not knowing if I would be going. I knew that it would be embarrassing to have to keep explaining to everyone that saw me asking, “I thought you were going to Ghana?”. That was a thought, but perspective rushed in and showed me that, ‘I would rather deal with that embarrassment, then be somewhere that God did ordain me to be, and if He ordained me to be there, I would be there”. I realized that it was not ‘if God can’, I knew that He could, it was ‘if He would’. Turns out, He did.

As the year 2005 came to an end, Melezia and I met up in the York library and we went through a goal setting/personal assessment exercise. The exercise was something that I thought up, which consisted of writing down a number of things: what my priorities are right now (which is reflected in day-to-day decisions), what my priorities should be (which I found was greatly different than what they should be), and how to change them from what they are to what they should be. This then led into a goal setting section which consisted of goals in various areas: daily habits/activities, career goals, personal development, etc. By doing that, I realized something: I am a man by gender, yet I had not stepped into the actualization of my manhood. Facing that was critical. In the beginning weeks of January I attempted to implement changes, but I just kept doing the same things. At that point, I just committed it to God and that was when I started to notice changes. Things in me that I thought were ‘just how I was’ began to shift. Although I was progressing, I was still stuck in a busy cycle consuming all of my thoughts, emotions, prayers, and energy. This cycle consisted of what I had to do, what I wanted to do, what others wanted / needed from me and for me, what I thought I had to do / become, and all of this was in the shadow of a mountain of uncertainty of what I really should be doing with my life.

I saw myself stepping into the next level of my life: from dependence to independence; from doing things I could do, to doing what I was designed to do. While I saw myself stepping there in a visionary sense, I could not see the steps to take. During that time of searching out my priorities and goals, I recall having the thought that answers to key questions about my future were in Africa…while I had made a visit to Senegal in 2001, I had no plans at that point to travel to the continent. It was a sense that I could not make certain major decisions with certainty until I saw something, life and people, in Africa. Consider that this thought and feeling was months before I got the offer for the position.

So coming here has been a process of exiting one realm and stepping into the next.

I have faced a lot, experienced a lot, and I have been filled with treasures, yet I feel that the capacity I have within, and what I need before I return, is much greater than what has been completed so far. If I was to share everything that I have seen and come to realize, I could pull a Fidel (eleven hour speech one day, and continue with ten hours the next day). But there is a great deal more; I have so much more room inside to be filled.

I feel that I am facing magnificently large questions and being led through pathways of understanding.

Loyalty, and the value of loyalty – it is precious. I want to be nothing but loyal, but loyal to the right things, the right people, the right places, the right ideas, and all at the right time.

Righteousness in every decision and moment. I realize that there is no excuse for anything else. Righteousness is not always attained by us, but less than that standard is not acceptable. Why would it be? Why make a mistake and decide that you want to keep making that mistake. Righteousness is doing what you do the best way that it can be done – the best way brings life and not death, harmony, not destruction. It is a process that takes commitment and yields great fruit.

I am also seeing a sifting of priorities: considering that people are hungry, facing warfare, and disease unnecessarily, what really matters? Considering that you are here for a time, then gone, what really matters? This is not esoteric thinking, but these are some very practical and basic realities.

These explorations, among others, are critical to the birthing of the next level of life, and entering that next realm. The answer to what I will do with the time that I have, where I will work, the business I will start, what I will write, what I will say, who I will live with, where I will live, who I will love and be committed to are all impacted by the discoveries in this search: where should my loyalties be given? What needs to change in my mind, heart and being to live righteously? I can’t do everything, so what I do needs to be in line with the true priorities in life.

I have enjoyed the ocean.

I have listened to so many people and heard what they think.

I have realized that, even if I do not speak the language and my skin makes me stand out and I am in a place that I have never been before, that with God’s peace in me, I am not a stranger, but at home.

I have noticed that communication is more than just language. It is the understood meaning of words and their relevance to who you are speaking to. Tones and body language mean a lot, but they do not mean the same thing to everyone. I was surrounded by mature, intelligent people that all spoke English, but I could not really express what I felt and was seeing. I would see something that was so amazing to me, and had such deep meaning, but would often be ‘lost in translation’. This caused me to reflect more, and to keep what I wanted to share contained with in me. While doing this, I had to reduce the ideas and words and feelings into packages that could be received; I have come to see a lot about what is universal and what is particular to certain circles and people – yet even further, what of those particular elements of life is distinct in the details, but universal in essence.

Just this week, with the infection in my veins (and all of the worries that ran through my head with that), the frustration of yet another visit to the hospital, not being able to do the work of the JHR position, and a handful of personal situations (some challenges facing my family at home that had me wanting to be with them to offer support, and a surprising and deep disappointment from someone that I really gave a lot to), I really wanted to talk with someone. I also just felt (though it sounds kind’a soft), I just wanted a hug from someone I that I really know and really knows me. There was no one here, no one around that could fulfill those desires. I was stretched though, because as much as I wanted a hug and someone that I could just speak with as I speak and it be understood, I was not alone. God’s peace was with me, and everywhere I looked there was confirmation that I could not let these things get me down and feeling disempowered.

So, my perspective is being challenged and shaped daily, I am being strengthened, and given focus.

I was listening to the new k-os album “Atlantis” (I am actually interviewing him by phone in 45 minutes), and he said, “the mind is a terrible thing to waste, even worse is the great void of infinite space / that extends beyond time, beyond all math / your watch can only measure the second that just passed”. This is relevant to our future and to what’s next. We really don’t know what is ahead for us, and what is in store for us. Coming to Ghana, I did not know all of what I would be seeing as I could not know what I have not yet come to know. I knew that it was His guidance though.

On that note, I actually had a dream recently where I was preaching and I was describing how the choices that we make and the paths that we take are often governed by the things that we want and are seeking. I was saying that we need to close our eyes to all of those things, and our full trust in God, in His guidance unconditionally (which means I am not seeking Him and trusting Him because of what I hope that He will do for me, but because of who He is). I added that you will be surprised by what you find on that path that is ‘all trust’ and free of expectation, but you don’t know in advance what it will be. I closed my eyes as I was saying this, and as I opened my eyes and looked down that path of trust, I was surprised by what I saw, which was the actualization of all that He designed me for, and designed for me. In the same breath, it’s really not all about me. So often, we go after our own imaginations, but what He has for us is beyond our imagination. I can’t describe what it is, because it is beyond my imagination. Sufficient to say, that it is all based on what really matters in life.

With all of that said, I am looking to finish the eight months in Ghana. The idea of coming home early due to health issues is one that I was open to, but I don’t feel good about it. It’s not that I don’t miss people at home (I do), it’s that I don’t feel like I would come back with everything that I need to have. There is more that I can offer, and more I need to see.

I wanted to add that I was really happy to hear your verse on “Ballad of Noah”, from k-os’s album. At first, I was just happy to hear you on the album, but listening to it again, it actually describes a lot of how I felt at the beginning of this journey and articulates some of the motives that were deeper than my consciousness.

“I am conflicted /
traveling the path of the soul, so gifted /
still unable to break the mold, I lifted /
the veil and still could not see /
insisted my existence began with me /
seems that I lost much /
lost touch with reality /
it cost much of the soul /
what a fallacy, this world is at times /
I can’t escape /
see myself with new eyes now /
I’m trying to take the first step on a path that I know is paved with much difficulty /
some think I must save myself from a world that is falling down all around me /
I hear the sounds of laughter calling after me falling too fast /
my close friends are asking me /
casting a glance at each other as they speak with outstretched hands
like I might be a victim of circumstance /
but I run”

For me, I have felt conflicted with feeling so talented and full of infinite potential, and then having trouble paying bills. I feel that I can contribute efforts that will be of historical significance, but I was working part-time at a rec centre and on temp contracts at York. That connects to the first stanza in bold.

The second line (though I really feel the whole verse) is that first step on the path that I knew would be difficult. I knew it would be, but it has been possible. And that’s life, difficult, but possible.

I have written a lot, but I have not done justice to giving you an update. I hope everything is going well with the business, the music, the designing, and growing as a man. There is so much more that I could say, but I gotta go do this interview in 2 minutes!

Stay Blessed Bro’,
Chris